sick sick sick... (literally)

I've been sick since Monday.  It was the worst.  With fever, chills, headaches, nausea, a sharp pain in my side, dizziness, a ringing in my ears... in short, the whole caboodle.  At the height of it, I seriously thought I was going to die.  But then, I would fight it and try and get better, even if just for an hour, so that I can see my kids... I missed them.  They were my strength.  My hubby was my rock, though.  He made sure I was ok.  Forcing me to sleep in a sweater, jogging pants and socks (!) so that I would "sweat out the fever"... sigh... But it worked!  He's a sweetie. 

A miracle happened while I was sick.  On my second day of being sick (Tuesday), I couldn't take not playing with the kids anymore, so I went up to see them - just for 20 minutes.  The day after that, two of them had fever and the beginnings of what I hoped was not pneumonia.  I'm very familiar with pneumonia because of the kids.  Micael's fever was so high and he was so sick that he couldn't sleep well.  He would moan in pain in his sleep.  My poor baby... My heart broke when I held him (he was soo hot) and I felt terrible that I might have infected them.  Gabe seemed ok, just that he had a fever.  I prayed that night for Mama Mary to watch over all my babies and let them have "healing sleep".  Also for the yayas to have the patience and love and good sleep so that they aren't short tempered with the kids and no one suffers from bad moods.

On Thursday, it was like Gabe wasn't sick at all!  No fever, nothing!  Micael also had no fever, he was clear-eyed, rested and in a great mood!  The only sign that he was sick the day before was that he had almost no voice. But today, Friday, it was like nothing!  He's back to normal!  It really was a miracle and answered prayer for me.  I couldn't stop thanking Mama Mary and Jesus for listening to me and for giving me what I had asked for.  I know that their recovery would not have been possible that quickly and pretty much painlessly without Their help.

I'm back at work now and it's not as bad as I feared.  It's not easy being here, but it's also not as painful as I thought.  My headeache isn't recurring too badly.  Just a dull ache.  Maybe I'm really (finally!) getting better!

PTA with Micael's teacher

Tab and I went to CPC today for a PTA with Micael's teacher.  I thought it would take 30-45 minutes, at the most.  We were there for nearly 2 hours!  Nice because I learned how Micael behaves in school.  He's very curious about his surroundings and is always taking walks to other classrooms, saying Hi to the other teachers.  Pretty much joining their class, if he likes it too!  They don't mind having him, which is good! haha  He's gotten the most difficult lesson - Mr. Different - down pat!  Teacher Joanne says that on the first day, he knew exactly which one was different (i.e. 3 fire trucks and 1 turtle - he would pick out the turtle!)  One day, when he finished his worksheet ahead of everyone else, he even tried to teach his classmate!  CUTE!!!!  Teacher Joanne seems to love him and I like how she talks about him.  She mentions that he always gives her a hug... That demonstrates that he likes her back!  (Tab says that as long as it's a girl asking for a hug, he'll give it!  But I think that he genuinely likes her! hahaha) 

She showed us his worksheets and talked about his art projects.  How when he goes missing from her class, she knows pretty much where to look - at the sandbox area, the bahay kubo, the computer room or the classrooms upstairs!  He listens very well, making sure to follow the instructions (in music class) and is very, very cooperative when it comes to participating there! 

He doesn't really vocalize at school, but today, during Music class, he was actually singing along to the song, dancing along with everyone else and in general having a good time!  My heart was so full, I was suprised it didn't burst out of my chest!  My baby is growing up...  I look at him now and I wonder and am awed that I was blessed with him.  I remember when I wasn't sure that I was pregnant and I consecrated my yet-unknown baby to Jesus on the cross.  And there he is, in front of me, jumping, laughing and having fun. 

My love for him is boundless.  This must be what it's like for God.  The way He loves us.  How perfect is this love.  How perfect is the Heart of God to love us this way. 

wife beating, etc.

Today, tab and i were talking about wife beating and i said 'Buti na lang you're not a wife beater.' He says 'Yup.  If I was, then you wouldn't marry me!  We wouldn't even get together.'  Then, he turned to me in the car and said 'like i said before we got married, what you see is what you get...  well... not really.  I was more considerate then.  Much more.  Sorry.'  I wanted to cry.  I guess because he never even hinted that he knew he was being inconsiderate... and now I even get an apology. 

I wrote to him before that I was so glad we started out as friends and that I hope we never stop being friends - even after so many years as husband and wife and so many kids.  I hope we never stop laughing together and hope that we always treat each other with consideration and love.  I want to grow old with him by my side.  Still making each other laugh and loving up a storm. This is what I pray for. This is what I want.

aaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!

I was so harassed today when I arrived at work.  The program I'm supposed to use to answer emails didn't want to load and I had to pull an escalated email from the queue.  It's part of my job description to answer escalated emails.  I was mildly panicking.  I had called the Helpdesk and everything and all they could say was  "we'll check it out".  I was actually content to leave it at that, but then I got an email from the Team Manager to look into the email that was "stuck" in our queue!  My mild panic became full-blown!  I tried to log in to the program using 5 different computers, to no avail.  Turns out the server from the States that I was trying to access was down.  But I was able to get the email by using someone else's computer - they were already logged in.  Then my Supervisor arrived.  I had to go to the grocery to pay for the diapers and milk of the kids and I was planning to just sneak out.  That plan was shot when he arrived.  *sigh*  I asked permission to go get coffee and thank goodness he said yes!  I went to the grocery and then to get coffee with Tabby, Pines and Pinay.  I was gone from the office for around an hour.  Oops...

While I was trying to log into the program, my dad called and told me that my using "their" car was "abala" and Tabby and I should just use our own car.  Of course, when I told Tab that the car had to be returned to the house, he felt bad.  Not because we had to return the car so that my bro could use it, but because of the fact that dad said we were "abala".  It was pretty rough.  He was actually talking about moving us all to Shaw.  Oh my.  Hay naku.  I don't think that he was serious, but... what can I do if he really wants to do that?  It's not like I can overrule him.  Where he goes, I go.  Where we are, the kids are.  *sigh* 

I really wish that we had enough money to just be on our own.  That's what it comes down to.  Money.  We can't afford to live on our own.  We have 3 kids, 3 yayas.  I get so depressed sometimes when I think about our (lack of) financial security.  This is why I had to take up mom on her job offer.  It offers us breathing space.  So I really had no choice.  I've got mixed feelings about going to work for mom.  I'm sure that it's not going to be as easy as I think it will be.  Nothing with mom is. 

So here I am at the office, listening to Moulin Rouge on my iPod (which came from dad), feeling like shit.  I don't think that there is anything I can do about this, and so all I can do is lift it up to Mama Mary and Jesus.  I know They will watch out for me.  And I trust that They will place me where They want me. 

I want to sleep.  All I want to do is just disappear and do nothing for a full 24 hours.  Just lie down, sip my tea, smoke my cigarette and just... be.  I need a break.  Wish it were that easy... oh well. Back to the grind.

The Little Book of Miracles and Answered Prayers

I've been reading my sister's book (The Little Book of Miracles and Answered Prayers) and it's made me more aware of the miracles that happen everyday. Not just to other people, but to me - in my life. I've begun to realize more and more that God really does love me. That He watches over me and wants me to be happy. I know and can feel Mama Mary's love for me in everything that I do. In all the situations I find myself in.

Two days ago, I was stressing out over making a large payment (about 29thou) that was already past due. Not to a credit card company, but tab's life insurance premium. I was worrying and really stressing out and decided to just ignore it and read my sister's book. Not really to escape, but to just immerse myself in Mama Mary and God. I needed the peace that I feel whenever I read it. After reading the entry of Mike's mom, I couldn't help myself. I started crying because her story was so beautiful. It's about her dad - the circumstance and journey from manila to australia where he died (he had cancer). I was crying because Mama Mary and God really are so good. They allowed him to die in the exact circumstance he asked for. He died, not in the hospital, surrounded by sterile surroundings, but at home with his wife after seeing the sunrise.

I got up from the dining table and knelt before the painting of the Madonna and Child in our living room. I was crying and crying. I prayed so hard - thanking Him for His love. Thanking Mama Mary for her protection and love. I prayed that I would be deserving of their love and offered up all of my worries, my suffering, everything to them. For their glory and to alleviate the pain Jesus experienced on the cross for us all. I was like that for maybe 20 minutes. After it was over, I felt so light. I entrusted all of my worries to Mama Mary. And so I knew that somehow, I would find the money to pay the premium.

Yesterday, I had lunch with Tab at home. After he went down, I saw that Dad was eating, so I sat down for a while. He asked me how I was, like he always does. And for some reason, I told him that I was selling my old phone. When he asked why, I told him it was because we needed the money for some things. He pressed me for an answer and I told him about the premium that was due. He was like 'Huh. Ok.' and just kept eating. Then his cell rang so he answered and I went down. About 20 minutes later, the maid knocks on the door and gives Tab a check from Dad. She said it was for me - that it was a birthday gift to himself that he was giving me. (It's his birthday on aug 3.)

It was more than enough to cover the premium! I was floored. I ran up to talk to him and found out he was gone. So I called him on his cell. As I was talking to him, I started crying because he said that it was a gift. Just to always tell him when I have problems so that he can help me out. And I can always call him and he will always help me. I was really overwhelmed.

My Dad and I didn't exactly have the best, most wonderful, most open relationship. I was really not expecting this from him. Maybe if it were my Mom, it wouldn't have been so strange...

I immediately went to the painting of Mama Mary and said a prayer of thanks. I knew that it was Her spirit that moved my Dad to be that generous.

blah blah

I've swapped schedules with a friend for the last two weeks. and i like it so much, i'm swapping with her again for another two :) it's the 3 rest days. glorious, glorious rest days! i really get to spend time with the kids! it's great!

last week, we went to the fort and flew kites! my first time! :p it was awesome! i held it for longer than the kids! hehehe ;) the yayas were laughing at me (and so was tabby - so sweet!), but i didn't care! i just got duling from squinting at the sky.

i took gabe up with me to the office today, just for the last 20 minutes of my shift. there were no emails anyway. and of course (much to my delight!) they said he was a cutie! ;p wait til we have a girl! she'll be gorgeous! hehehe

i need a break...

I think i need to get away for a while. to just recharge my batteries and rest and sleep. to get up when i want and just cry all day if i want. i want to not have to think of anyone else's feelings or thoughts on how i would spend my day. on what their opinion will be on what i am feeling. i want to have someone who will not twist and make everything about them. i want someone who will just listen and who will just be there to love me and hold me and take my bad mood - the way i am there for them when they are in a bad mood.

i'm so tired. so tired of it all. i love my kids and i love my husband, but i need to love myself too. i feel like i'm drowning and i can't even save myself. i'd be too wrapped up in how they'd feel if they lost me.

would my kids even look for me? mica, maybe. the twins... i think their world would fall apart if the maids and yayas left. or maybe i'm just looking too hard and am missing the small things that show me that they love me.

all i wanted today after work, before reenee's party was a starbucks toffee nut latte. that's all. but i felt small and shamed when my credit card was declined in the grocery. and i realized i couldn't use another card because they were all topped up. terrible. how did i get here? is it really just the kids' medicines or is it my spending or is it my hubby's? where should the fault lie? should it really lie at someone's doorstep? sometimes i wish i weren't so understanding and giving.

this 'giving until it hurts' really, really hurts! i'm trying and offering it up to God and just really trying my best to keep things going, to keep the ball in the air and i can't seem to do it. i don't know what else i have to do. and i don't even know if i'm in the right place anymore.

this will get better tomorrow. after sleep and prayer. please, God. Let this be better tomorrow. i ask this in Jesus' name. Please.