Random pics of the kids =)

i got my sign...

strange thing, this ambivalence i'm feeling about getting pregnant.  i got my sign (the one i asked Mama Mary for) that i'm pregnant.  but i got it the day after i got my period... so what does that mean?  i'll be pregnant soon?  or is She answering something else?

i wish things were clearer.  while i was waiting for my period, i actually cut down on my caffeine, smoking and was really careful about the medicines i was taking... no popping a ponstan for the slightest headache.  i just suffered through it... because i was worried that i might hurt the baby (if i was).  but then... i got my period. 

so... here i am.  still waiting.  i think that, in the deepest, darkest, most quiet recesses of my soul, i do want one.  but... (and there's always a 'but'!) but... there's the practicalities to consider.  do i really want to bring another life into this world?  another person to love, to worry about and to lose sleep over?

I've always said that i enjoyed being pregnant and i do! it's the next 4 months that scare me.  and i don't know how my boys would take it.  they'd be over the moon with it for a while, but then when they see me paying more attention to the baby, they might resent her/him. 

hmmm... more things to think about... sigh. it never ends...

mixed feelings

I got my period yesterday... I was late for about a week and started hoping that I was pregnant. Don't know why.  Hoping, I mean.  It's not like we can actually afford to have another baby just yet.  And we aren't even living in our own home, but still.  The thought that I could be pregnant was consuming me.  I prayed to Mama Mary and asked for a sign that I was, indeed, carrying a new life.  Very unusual and specific, since I didn't want to mistake it for something else. 

Obviously I didn't get it.  I don't know... I worry that I'll be too old to have another baby.  I worry that maybe I'll have a hard time getting pregnant again.  I so want to have one.  Doesn't have to be a girl, but... just my own.  Again.  Am I being selfish? 

I know I'm blessed with three wonderful boys.  They're awesome - so loving, kind, good, naughty and rowdy.  Everything little boys should be.  Did I mention noisy? =)  But well... I want a little one.  Another one that will call me Mommy.

My parents are totally against me getting pregnant.  They are aware of our financial situation and don't want to add to my burden.  My dad even asked me to have "my tubes tied"!  How's that for paternal advice?  And my mom gets distressed just thinking about me having another baby.

My wonderful hubby was working his mind toward acceptance of a new one.  When we talk about it, he always says that we aren't ready for a new baby yet.  He wants to build up our savings, move out and be totally independent from our parents before even considering it.  But, he was so sweet when I asked him how he felt about me being possibly pregnant.  He said, "Well, if we are pregnant, it'll be Mama Mary's gift to us.  Because we helped in Subic."  We were there for the Subic Marian Peace Regatta.  It was a crazy weekend, not relaxing like we thought it would be, but really hectic, tiring and at the end of it all, rewarding.

When I got my period, he didn't know what to say.  He was relieved, but still sad because I guess he wanted it too...