I think i need to get away for a while. to just recharge my batteries and rest and sleep. to get up when i want and just cry all day if i want. i want to not have to think of anyone else's feelings or thoughts on how i would spend my day. on what their opinion will be on what i am feeling. i want to have someone who will not twist and make everything about them. i want someone who will just listen and who will just be there to love me and hold me and take my bad mood - the way i am there for them when they are in a bad mood.
i'm so tired. so tired of it all. i love my kids and i love my husband, but i need to love myself too. i feel like i'm drowning and i can't even save myself. i'd be too wrapped up in how they'd feel if they lost me.
would my kids even look for me? mica, maybe. the twins... i think their world would fall apart if the maids and yayas left. or maybe i'm just looking too hard and am missing the small things that show me that they love me.
all i wanted today after work, before reenee's party was a starbucks toffee nut latte. that's all. but i felt small and shamed when my credit card was declined in the grocery. and i realized i couldn't use another card because they were all topped up. terrible. how did i get here? is it really just the kids' medicines or is it my spending or is it my hubby's? where should the fault lie? should it really lie at someone's doorstep? sometimes i wish i weren't so understanding and giving.
this 'giving until it hurts' really, really hurts! i'm trying and offering it up to God and just really trying my best to keep things going, to keep the ball in the air and i can't seem to do it. i don't know what else i have to do. and i don't even know if i'm in the right place anymore.
this will get better tomorrow. after sleep and prayer. please, God. Let this be better tomorrow. i ask this in Jesus' name. Please.
