* i've submitted an ijaf (internal job application form) for the supervisory position that was made available just recently. i'm really hoping and praying and working my butt off to get it! but there are so many other veteran reps that applied. sometimes i think i'm just fooling myself by thinking that i'd even have a chance. and then i pray and place it in God's hands. because that's where it should be.
* i've been working soo hard to not be late (my shift is 6am - 3pm). i thought it would be a snap after working the 5am shift, but the 6am is actually harder.
* i've been on the south beach diet for 12 days tomorrow. i've lost 13-14 pounds na! and my jeans fit better! (the old one - the one i haven't been able to wear for a while!) but i still feel fat. i know that my tummy's less (thank God!) and my eating habits have changed - for the better, i think! i can't really eat sweets now - makes me dizzy. also fat (like the skin of kfc!) makes me dizzy. i felt icky after having just 2 spoons of the skin! i'm kinda mourning for that part of me... i love food! but i'm also glad that i don't eat like that anymore. i've gotten used to the taste of artificial sweeteners. (sweet n low is the best! better than equal, hands down!) and i've learned how to drink coffee without coffee mate. tea also tastes better with skim milk now. i've been really faithful to the diet (except for the one dinner of kfc), but i still feel like i'm not losing enough.
* i'm totally resisting going to the gym or working out. because i'm so tired all the time. not because i'm hungry, but becuase straight from work, i come home, play with the 3 kids, get ready and then go out with one. then i come home and have dinner and then sleep at 11 at the earliest. i'm thinking that if tab had to live one week in my shoes, he'd lose so much weight! not because of the food, but because of the sheer energy it costs to stay up, not lose my temper and still be patient, loving and kind even when i don't feel like it.
* i feel a little neglected here at home. because of the diet, i can't eat food that's been cooked with regular oil. (has to be canola or olive oil) nor can i eat food that has regular soy sauce (has to be light). my cook doesn't prepare food for me unless i call her to tell her what to cook. otherwise, she just doesn't prepare anything for me. so sometimes (like tonight) i go hungry. but how can i expect her to prepare my food when my own hubby doesn't have the time or energy to do it?
so i eat bega string cheese (it's made with skim milk) and sugar free chocolate. and have decaf coffee with sweet n low and skim milk. i sound so kawawa... i'm not really. just venting.
* i don't really see tab. typical day: my sched is like this. up by 5.15, leave by 5.35, at work by 5.45/5.50. breakfast at 6, cig break at 8, lunch at 10.30, cig break at 1.30, off by 3pm. home by 3.30/3.45, play with kids til 4.30. get ready/use the bathroom leave with one child by 4.50. walk around with him (mall, grocery, whatever i need to do, he goes with me), home by 6.30/6.45. wait for tab to come home to eat dinner - give up and eat alone at 7.45/8pm. rest, shower and prepare for bed 10. (still waiting for tab) he gets home at 12ish and i'm already in bed asleep. his sched (as far as i know it) is like this: up by 9, leave by 10.30am for the canteen. he's there the whole day or somewhere where ever it is he goes and does and meets and is home by 11 or 12. then he sleeps at 1.30ish. ok ba?
sometimes i don't like to be the strong one. sometimes i wish i were the one taken care of. like i was when we first got together. sometimes i wish that i were so rich, i would have the luxury of just staying home with my kids. that's all i want, really. to stay home and just watch them grow.
today, i carried rafa and he fell asleep. we were on our way home and i looked at him. and i just realized that he's almost a carbon copy of micael. and he's 9 months! i just noticed that now! i felt terrible. i wanted to cry, but i was too tired. i feel like i don't carry them enough, like i don't watch them enough, like i'm not their mother. i'm just the woman who pays the 'mothers' who watch them. and play with them and holds them.
and then he opened his eyes and when he saw me, he smiled. and my heart was eased. when my kids see me and they get excited, and laugh and smile at me, my tensions and burdens are lighter. i don't feel my exhaustion until i leave them to change or whatever. and when they cry because they see me walking away, i have to go back. even if i'm going to be late for work. they are such a joy to me. such a blessing and such angels. they are truly from God and i am forever grateful that He has seen fit to lend them to me and that He trusts me to take care of them. i love them so much. everything is worthwhile because they are.
* i have found that taking all of my kids out at the same time is ridiculous. and time consuming. and actually really fun =) but i don't get to spend any quality time with anyone other than mica if that is the case, so i decided around 2 or 3 weeks ago to take them out one at a time. it's great! tiring, but great. super worth it! i get to carry them the whole time, change their diapers in the lounge, give them their bottle, and in general, be a mom to them. And it feels good. so i don't really mind the aching muscles in my back. and in my calves. they are worth it.
