i tried to let mica go to sleep... but he was crying looking for his yaya. i guess this is my fault. sometimes i wonder if my kids really need me. i know they love me and (for now) 2 of them are dependent on me for sustenance, but i am, after all, replaceable.

i feel unnecessary. and ambivalent about my role in life. i have to be the nurturer and fixer of everything. i'm the one in charge of the kids, the yayas, the house and the money. this is on top of being the one to go to an office...

i want it all. my dream is to have enough money to quit my job, stay at home, and just be a mother to my kids. maybe when they're 3, i can take over the yayas and take care of them myself. i want that. i want them to depend on me and not have any memory of being taken cared of by anyone else, except me. that gives me 3 years. the twins are now 5 weeks old. and micael is 13 months.

this is my goal: as soon as they hit 5 years of age, i want to be their primary caregiver. i want them to look to me (or tabby) for direction, permission, food, clothing, bathing... everything. not the yaya. i will keep the yayas, but maybe 2 na lang. the maids can do double duty as yayas when tab and i go out of town or out for the night.

i want to be a housewife. i want my primary concern to be the care of my husband and children. i'll probably go mad from the boredom, but just for the first few months, maybe. i'll keep myself busy with decorating the house and cooking and taking care of the children. it will be like a modified 'living in the states' kind of thing. i'll have help with the household chores, but the care of the children will be my responsibility.

thinking about it, i know that i'm going to have something to do as well... maybe a hobby or my own small business. something i can do on the side. i'd love to cook or bake and then sell it. i'm not asking to become like mrs cuerva, where she sells her cakes out of her house and is a household name already... maybe just like ate gilette, where she has a small but steady customer base.

how do i achieve this? i'm working on it. meanwhile, i'm stuck at my office job.

yayas

sometimes i wonder exactly how much my son loves me. or if he recognizes that i'm his mother and not the yaya. the yaya is great. she's started to care for my little one and it shows in how she clothes him and makes sure he eats and all that. but it makes me think... does he really understand that i'm his mother?

it tears me up inside when i see how he prefers her. how it's not me he looks for sometimes (when he gets hurt). and it really gets to me when he "chooses" her. it makes me feel inadequate. and a failure. intellectually, i know that it's not a matter of him choosing her over me, it's just that he's used to her being the one who rocks him to sleep. but it hurts me, just the same.

it's not like i can force him to come to me. or to look for me when he's sleepy. because then i wouldn't be able to do the things i have to -- like go to work, or feed his brothers when they're hungry. i wouldn't have the luxuries of being able to use the bathroom when i want to, or watching a movie straight through.

i'm grateful for her, don't get me wrong. and i'm grateful that he's attached to her. but i want him to need me. and i want him to understand that i love so very much and that's why i need to leave him with her. i hope that for the big things, he looks for me. and that i'm not a second choice.