yayas

sometimes i wonder exactly how much my son loves me. or if he recognizes that i'm his mother and not the yaya. the yaya is great. she's started to care for my little one and it shows in how she clothes him and makes sure he eats and all that. but it makes me think... does he really understand that i'm his mother?

it tears me up inside when i see how he prefers her. how it's not me he looks for sometimes (when he gets hurt). and it really gets to me when he "chooses" her. it makes me feel inadequate. and a failure. intellectually, i know that it's not a matter of him choosing her over me, it's just that he's used to her being the one who rocks him to sleep. but it hurts me, just the same.

it's not like i can force him to come to me. or to look for me when he's sleepy. because then i wouldn't be able to do the things i have to -- like go to work, or feed his brothers when they're hungry. i wouldn't have the luxuries of being able to use the bathroom when i want to, or watching a movie straight through.

i'm grateful for her, don't get me wrong. and i'm grateful that he's attached to her. but i want him to need me. and i want him to understand that i love so very much and that's why i need to leave him with her. i hope that for the big things, he looks for me. and that i'm not a second choice.