Saturday, March 22, 2008
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Saturday, March 1, 2008
betrayed...
one of my yayas made paalam to pick up her sister and bring her to their house in pasay and then didn't come back. it's been almost a week now. at first i was disbelieving that she did that. i don't mistreat my yayas. never scream at them and pretty much treat them like family. especially since they take care of my little ones. I figure if i treat them nicely, they will reciprocate and treat my little ones nicely too!
Unfortunately, I found out tonight that that yaya has been hitting my little boy - rafa. what sort of mother am i that i never questioned closely why gabe didn't like her? Thinking back on the kids' behavior while she was here, now it makes sense why gabe didn't like to stay with her, no matter what. and why rafa was reluctant to say sorry to her when i came down and she told me that rafa hit her in the arm (it turns out that she hit him on the head). and why rafa had so many unexplained bruises and cuts that she "didn't know about" or didn't notice until i asked her where he got it.
i wish i could turn back the hours and days and just not hire her or at least fire her before she got comfortable enough with me to feel like she could do this.
my remaining yayas say it's because i'm too nice to them. how was i being too nice? by allowing them to go on their days off? i don't get it. how do i know what is "too nice" and what is "just right" and what is "too much"?
i feel like a terrible, neglectful mother. i didn't even realize that she was hurting my little boy. how could i not have seen him? what should i have done?
obviously i'm not going to accept her again, in the unlikely event that she'll come back. i will demand that she pay me back what she owes me. the friend who recommended her to me has her cousin working for her, so i have a way of getting in touch with her.
i pray that she's ok and that she regrets what she's done to my little boy. i pray that my boys don't think that what she did was ok with me. i pray that rafa forgives me for allowing it to happen.
Unfortunately, I found out tonight that that yaya has been hitting my little boy - rafa. what sort of mother am i that i never questioned closely why gabe didn't like her? Thinking back on the kids' behavior while she was here, now it makes sense why gabe didn't like to stay with her, no matter what. and why rafa was reluctant to say sorry to her when i came down and she told me that rafa hit her in the arm (it turns out that she hit him on the head). and why rafa had so many unexplained bruises and cuts that she "didn't know about" or didn't notice until i asked her where he got it.
i wish i could turn back the hours and days and just not hire her or at least fire her before she got comfortable enough with me to feel like she could do this.
my remaining yayas say it's because i'm too nice to them. how was i being too nice? by allowing them to go on their days off? i don't get it. how do i know what is "too nice" and what is "just right" and what is "too much"?
i feel like a terrible, neglectful mother. i didn't even realize that she was hurting my little boy. how could i not have seen him? what should i have done?
obviously i'm not going to accept her again, in the unlikely event that she'll come back. i will demand that she pay me back what she owes me. the friend who recommended her to me has her cousin working for her, so i have a way of getting in touch with her.
i pray that she's ok and that she regrets what she's done to my little boy. i pray that my boys don't think that what she did was ok with me. i pray that rafa forgives me for allowing it to happen.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Mother's guilt
There's this tiny voice inside my head saying: "you should have done more" or "you should have been there" or even worse "it should be you, not the yaya, not the driver, no one else, but you. What kind of mother are you?" And so... i find it amazing that i can function - go about my daily routine (errands, work, etc.) and not be crippled by the guilt that i carry around because i'm not home watching my boys sleep or preparing their food or washing their clothes.
Today, Rafa was waiting for the car for about an hour outside his school. I had arranged for my brother's driver to pick him up since I was on my way to lunch with ate at 1pm. At about 2.15pm, i find out that my brother called his driver to pick him up and off the driver went to him. He didn't bother to tell my brother that i asked him to pick up my son. So, it was only at almost 2pm that my driver finds out that rafa wasn't home yet and he rushed to pick him up.
Oh man. The guilt is killing me. Ate says that it's not my fault - after all, i had made arrangements for him to be picked up. It's just that the very smart driver of my brother didn't do it, nor did he tell my bro that i asked him to do it.
I've been crying for about an hour now and my eyes feel gritty. This is a classic case of mother's guilt. I wonder if Rafa feels like i abandoned him because he was waiting for so long outside school. I vividly remember those times when I would be waiting for my driver in school and thinking "wow, my parents forgot me!" I feel like a shitty parent.
I know that maybe i'm overreacting to this. But with the hormones bouncing around my system, i can't help it. I wish that I had picked him up from school myself. Ate would have been upset that I was late, but at least Rafa would have been safe at home.
Today, Rafa was waiting for the car for about an hour outside his school. I had arranged for my brother's driver to pick him up since I was on my way to lunch with ate at 1pm. At about 2.15pm, i find out that my brother called his driver to pick him up and off the driver went to him. He didn't bother to tell my brother that i asked him to pick up my son. So, it was only at almost 2pm that my driver finds out that rafa wasn't home yet and he rushed to pick him up.
Oh man. The guilt is killing me. Ate says that it's not my fault - after all, i had made arrangements for him to be picked up. It's just that the very smart driver of my brother didn't do it, nor did he tell my bro that i asked him to do it.
I've been crying for about an hour now and my eyes feel gritty. This is a classic case of mother's guilt. I wonder if Rafa feels like i abandoned him because he was waiting for so long outside school. I vividly remember those times when I would be waiting for my driver in school and thinking "wow, my parents forgot me!" I feel like a shitty parent.
I know that maybe i'm overreacting to this. But with the hormones bouncing around my system, i can't help it. I wish that I had picked him up from school myself. Ate would have been upset that I was late, but at least Rafa would have been safe at home.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Sunday, February 3, 2008
11 weeks, 6 days
I'm already showing... how strange is that?! considering my little one is between 1.75 to 2.4 inches long, it's pretty scary that i'm showing na. unless it's fat! hahaha 
fat that's concentrated right on the belly, exactly where the baby bump is supposed to be. >sigh<
when my mom compares me and ate, i tell her that i'm showing na because it's my third pregnancy and it was ate's first, so i'll definitely be more obviously pregnant earlier than her... which is true... i suppose... how depressing.
the nausea is still there... i'm hoping that in a few days, when i pass into the 12th week, it will magically disappear! i've read how some women, once they pass that wonderful day, totally stop experiencing nausea and morning sickness... please pray that i'm one of those! haha
tabby and i are gearing up for this baby... i've been reviewing my newborn facts and how-to's (c/o Eli!
), tab's been cutting down on his smoking and we've been keeping better hours - no more super late nights!
i'm realizing more and more that my boys are no longer babies... they remember now what i say, what i promise to do, and what i don't follow up on. they're a constant surprise to me! sometimes i look at them and marvel that they came from me. these active, independent, handsome, wonderful boys are mine!
fat that's concentrated right on the belly, exactly where the baby bump is supposed to be. >sigh< when my mom compares me and ate, i tell her that i'm showing na because it's my third pregnancy and it was ate's first, so i'll definitely be more obviously pregnant earlier than her... which is true... i suppose... how depressing.
the nausea is still there... i'm hoping that in a few days, when i pass into the 12th week, it will magically disappear! i've read how some women, once they pass that wonderful day, totally stop experiencing nausea and morning sickness... please pray that i'm one of those! haha
tabby and i are gearing up for this baby... i've been reviewing my newborn facts and how-to's (c/o Eli!
), tab's been cutting down on his smoking and we've been keeping better hours - no more super late nights! i'm realizing more and more that my boys are no longer babies... they remember now what i say, what i promise to do, and what i don't follow up on. they're a constant surprise to me! sometimes i look at them and marvel that they came from me. these active, independent, handsome, wonderful boys are mine!
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