betrayed...

one of my yayas made paalam to pick up her sister and bring her to their house in pasay and then didn't come back.  it's been almost a week now.  at first i was disbelieving that she did that.  i don't mistreat my yayas.  never scream at them and pretty much treat them like family.  especially since they take care of my little ones.  I figure if i treat them nicely, they will reciprocate and treat my little ones nicely too!

Unfortunately, I found out tonight that that yaya has been hitting my little boy - rafa.  what sort of mother am i that i never questioned closely why gabe didn't like her?  Thinking back on the kids' behavior while she was here, now it makes sense why gabe didn't like to stay with her, no matter what.  and why rafa was reluctant to say sorry to her when i came down and she told me that rafa hit her in the arm (it turns out that she hit him on the head).  and why rafa had so many unexplained bruises and cuts that she "didn't know about" or didn't notice until i asked her where he got it. 

i wish i could turn back the hours and days and just not hire her or at least fire her before she got comfortable enough with me to feel like she could do this.

my remaining yayas say it's because i'm too nice to them.  how was i being too nice?  by allowing them to go on their days off?  i don't get it.  how do i know what is "too nice" and what is "just right" and what is "too much"?

i feel like a terrible, neglectful mother.  i didn't even realize that she was hurting my little boy.  how could i not have seen him?  what should i have done? 

obviously i'm not going to accept her again, in the unlikely event that she'll come back.  i will demand that she pay me back what she owes me.  the friend who recommended her to me has her cousin working for her, so i have a way of getting in touch with her.

i pray that she's ok and that she regrets what she's done to my little boy.  i pray that my boys don't think that what she did was ok with me.  i pray that rafa forgives me for allowing it to happen.