Mother's guilt

There's this tiny voice inside my head saying: "you should have done more"  or "you should have been there" or even worse "it should be you, not the yaya, not the driver, no one else, but you. What kind of mother are you?"   And so... i find it amazing that i can function - go about my daily routine (errands, work, etc.) and not be crippled by the guilt that i carry around because i'm not home watching my boys sleep or preparing their food or washing their clothes.

Today, Rafa was waiting for the car for about an hour outside his school. I had arranged for my brother's driver to pick him up since I was on my way to lunch with ate at 1pm.  At about 2.15pm, i find out that my brother called his driver to pick him up and off the driver went to him.  He didn't bother to tell my brother that i asked him to pick up my son.  So, it was only at almost 2pm that my driver finds out that rafa wasn't home yet and he rushed to pick him up.

Oh man.  The guilt is killing me.  Ate says that it's not my fault - after all, i had made arrangements for him to be picked up.  It's just that the very smart driver of my brother didn't do it, nor did he tell my bro that i asked him to do it. 

I've been crying for about an hour now and my eyes feel gritty.  This is a classic case of mother's guilt.  I wonder if Rafa feels like i abandoned him because he was waiting for so long outside school.  I vividly remember those times when I would be waiting for my driver in school and thinking "wow, my parents forgot me!"  I feel like a shitty parent.

I know that maybe i'm overreacting to this.  But with the hormones bouncing around my system, i can't help it.  I wish that I had picked him up from school myself.  Ate would have been upset that I was late, but at least Rafa would have been safe at home.