my operation

I'm experiencing a deprivation that's extremely hard to bear. I am unable to carry Joachim in any way - in my arms, on my lap, standing up or sitting down. I can't even lean down and help him walk, correct his balance or shield him when he over-corrects himself. There's a very good reason for this, i know. It's just that I feel like he's going to outgrow me - that he'll get used to not going to me for anything or that he'll stop trying to get me to carry him.

My side is still so painful from the operation to remove the stones from my kidney. It's been 6 days and i'm still in pain. It's not getting better, mostly because of the tube that's sticking out of my side. It runs from my right kidney to a urinary leg bag, attached to my right thigh. Tabby says I remind him of Lara Croft because of the way it's attached. I just laugh and tell him that he should be so lucky. :-)

To make things light, I tell him that he's probably the only man in the world with a wife that can pee standing up without getting messy.  hehe It works for a time, then we're brought back to reality by my needing his help to get up. I can't go from a lying/reclining position to a sitting position without a great deal of pain. I have a high tolerance for pain, so he knows that it's pretty bad when I can't help but make little sounds of pain (because I'm stifling the groan). Moving from sitting to standing up (and vice versa) is relatively easier. It's painful, but tolerable. Walking is a chore. But the longer I am upright, the easier it is. Stairs are best taken slowly and with great care, whether going up or down.

It's discouraging to know that Joachim prefers the yaya over me or Tabby. But then again, I think that he has no choice, really. I'm not carrying him and neither is Tabby, really, since he's busy taking care of me.

It's cold comfort knowing that I made the right decision by postponing this surgery til Joachim was older. If he were younger, it would be intolerable and definitely not something we would want. I would not have been able to continue breastfeeding him if I had done this earlier. 

Today, though, he still took comfort from me... I'm so grateful that he still wanted me! Ü he got stranger anxiety because a friend of ours visited after a long period of absence and she was so excited to see him that he got scared - a woman, unknown to him, was laughing and cooing and approaching him!  so he started crying... poor baby... he was clinging to tabby and then after a while, when his crying subsided, since he wasn't lifting his face from tabby's shirt, i got him by sliding him onto my lap and was able to hold him properly for the first time in weeks!  it felt heavenly!! and he seemed to take comfort from me because he stopped crying totally and was calming down.  he consented to look at our friend (who had sat down again) and even said hi to her! Ü he's such a darling, darling boy! Ü