wife beating, etc.

Today, tab and i were talking about wife beating and i said 'Buti na lang you're not a wife beater.' He says 'Yup.  If I was, then you wouldn't marry me!  We wouldn't even get together.'  Then, he turned to me in the car and said 'like i said before we got married, what you see is what you get...  well... not really.  I was more considerate then.  Much more.  Sorry.'  I wanted to cry.  I guess because he never even hinted that he knew he was being inconsiderate... and now I even get an apology. 

I wrote to him before that I was so glad we started out as friends and that I hope we never stop being friends - even after so many years as husband and wife and so many kids.  I hope we never stop laughing together and hope that we always treat each other with consideration and love.  I want to grow old with him by my side.  Still making each other laugh and loving up a storm. This is what I pray for. This is what I want.

aaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!

I was so harassed today when I arrived at work.  The program I'm supposed to use to answer emails didn't want to load and I had to pull an escalated email from the queue.  It's part of my job description to answer escalated emails.  I was mildly panicking.  I had called the Helpdesk and everything and all they could say was  "we'll check it out".  I was actually content to leave it at that, but then I got an email from the Team Manager to look into the email that was "stuck" in our queue!  My mild panic became full-blown!  I tried to log in to the program using 5 different computers, to no avail.  Turns out the server from the States that I was trying to access was down.  But I was able to get the email by using someone else's computer - they were already logged in.  Then my Supervisor arrived.  I had to go to the grocery to pay for the diapers and milk of the kids and I was planning to just sneak out.  That plan was shot when he arrived.  *sigh*  I asked permission to go get coffee and thank goodness he said yes!  I went to the grocery and then to get coffee with Tabby, Pines and Pinay.  I was gone from the office for around an hour.  Oops...

While I was trying to log into the program, my dad called and told me that my using "their" car was "abala" and Tabby and I should just use our own car.  Of course, when I told Tab that the car had to be returned to the house, he felt bad.  Not because we had to return the car so that my bro could use it, but because of the fact that dad said we were "abala".  It was pretty rough.  He was actually talking about moving us all to Shaw.  Oh my.  Hay naku.  I don't think that he was serious, but... what can I do if he really wants to do that?  It's not like I can overrule him.  Where he goes, I go.  Where we are, the kids are.  *sigh* 

I really wish that we had enough money to just be on our own.  That's what it comes down to.  Money.  We can't afford to live on our own.  We have 3 kids, 3 yayas.  I get so depressed sometimes when I think about our (lack of) financial security.  This is why I had to take up mom on her job offer.  It offers us breathing space.  So I really had no choice.  I've got mixed feelings about going to work for mom.  I'm sure that it's not going to be as easy as I think it will be.  Nothing with mom is. 

So here I am at the office, listening to Moulin Rouge on my iPod (which came from dad), feeling like shit.  I don't think that there is anything I can do about this, and so all I can do is lift it up to Mama Mary and Jesus.  I know They will watch out for me.  And I trust that They will place me where They want me. 

I want to sleep.  All I want to do is just disappear and do nothing for a full 24 hours.  Just lie down, sip my tea, smoke my cigarette and just... be.  I need a break.  Wish it were that easy... oh well. Back to the grind.

The Little Book of Miracles and Answered Prayers

I've been reading my sister's book (The Little Book of Miracles and Answered Prayers) and it's made me more aware of the miracles that happen everyday. Not just to other people, but to me - in my life. I've begun to realize more and more that God really does love me. That He watches over me and wants me to be happy. I know and can feel Mama Mary's love for me in everything that I do. In all the situations I find myself in.

Two days ago, I was stressing out over making a large payment (about 29thou) that was already past due. Not to a credit card company, but tab's life insurance premium. I was worrying and really stressing out and decided to just ignore it and read my sister's book. Not really to escape, but to just immerse myself in Mama Mary and God. I needed the peace that I feel whenever I read it. After reading the entry of Mike's mom, I couldn't help myself. I started crying because her story was so beautiful. It's about her dad - the circumstance and journey from manila to australia where he died (he had cancer). I was crying because Mama Mary and God really are so good. They allowed him to die in the exact circumstance he asked for. He died, not in the hospital, surrounded by sterile surroundings, but at home with his wife after seeing the sunrise.

I got up from the dining table and knelt before the painting of the Madonna and Child in our living room. I was crying and crying. I prayed so hard - thanking Him for His love. Thanking Mama Mary for her protection and love. I prayed that I would be deserving of their love and offered up all of my worries, my suffering, everything to them. For their glory and to alleviate the pain Jesus experienced on the cross for us all. I was like that for maybe 20 minutes. After it was over, I felt so light. I entrusted all of my worries to Mama Mary. And so I knew that somehow, I would find the money to pay the premium.

Yesterday, I had lunch with Tab at home. After he went down, I saw that Dad was eating, so I sat down for a while. He asked me how I was, like he always does. And for some reason, I told him that I was selling my old phone. When he asked why, I told him it was because we needed the money for some things. He pressed me for an answer and I told him about the premium that was due. He was like 'Huh. Ok.' and just kept eating. Then his cell rang so he answered and I went down. About 20 minutes later, the maid knocks on the door and gives Tab a check from Dad. She said it was for me - that it was a birthday gift to himself that he was giving me. (It's his birthday on aug 3.)

It was more than enough to cover the premium! I was floored. I ran up to talk to him and found out he was gone. So I called him on his cell. As I was talking to him, I started crying because he said that it was a gift. Just to always tell him when I have problems so that he can help me out. And I can always call him and he will always help me. I was really overwhelmed.

My Dad and I didn't exactly have the best, most wonderful, most open relationship. I was really not expecting this from him. Maybe if it were my Mom, it wouldn't have been so strange...

I immediately went to the painting of Mama Mary and said a prayer of thanks. I knew that it was Her spirit that moved my Dad to be that generous.

blah blah

I've swapped schedules with a friend for the last two weeks. and i like it so much, i'm swapping with her again for another two :) it's the 3 rest days. glorious, glorious rest days! i really get to spend time with the kids! it's great!

last week, we went to the fort and flew kites! my first time! :p it was awesome! i held it for longer than the kids! hehehe ;) the yayas were laughing at me (and so was tabby - so sweet!), but i didn't care! i just got duling from squinting at the sky.

i took gabe up with me to the office today, just for the last 20 minutes of my shift. there were no emails anyway. and of course (much to my delight!) they said he was a cutie! ;p wait til we have a girl! she'll be gorgeous! hehehe

i need a break...

I think i need to get away for a while. to just recharge my batteries and rest and sleep. to get up when i want and just cry all day if i want. i want to not have to think of anyone else's feelings or thoughts on how i would spend my day. on what their opinion will be on what i am feeling. i want to have someone who will not twist and make everything about them. i want someone who will just listen and who will just be there to love me and hold me and take my bad mood - the way i am there for them when they are in a bad mood.

i'm so tired. so tired of it all. i love my kids and i love my husband, but i need to love myself too. i feel like i'm drowning and i can't even save myself. i'd be too wrapped up in how they'd feel if they lost me.

would my kids even look for me? mica, maybe. the twins... i think their world would fall apart if the maids and yayas left. or maybe i'm just looking too hard and am missing the small things that show me that they love me.

all i wanted today after work, before reenee's party was a starbucks toffee nut latte. that's all. but i felt small and shamed when my credit card was declined in the grocery. and i realized i couldn't use another card because they were all topped up. terrible. how did i get here? is it really just the kids' medicines or is it my spending or is it my hubby's? where should the fault lie? should it really lie at someone's doorstep? sometimes i wish i weren't so understanding and giving.

this 'giving until it hurts' really, really hurts! i'm trying and offering it up to God and just really trying my best to keep things going, to keep the ball in the air and i can't seem to do it. i don't know what else i have to do. and i don't even know if i'm in the right place anymore.

this will get better tomorrow. after sleep and prayer. please, God. Let this be better tomorrow. i ask this in Jesus' name. Please.

it's micael's first day of preschool tomorrow!  i don't know how i feel about it... i'm excited, but at the same time, scared for him.  i want to be there the whole time!  what if some bully tries to push him?  i'd probably kck the other kid... boy or girl!  but seriously, i'm curious to see how he's going to handle himself.  i'm wondering how his social skills are.  i'm hoping that this will be good for him and that he'll be less shy around other kids and people.  my sister says he's sungit becuase he usually has no reaction to her.  happy or sad or upset... nothing.  so in her pique, she says it's him.... hahaha oh well! 

he's the sweetest boy... when i carry him, he actually pats my back/shoulder.  i think it's because when he was younger, whenever he's in my lap (and he was always in my lap!), i was always patting his leg, playing with him, talking to him and keeping him entertained.  so he's gotten to used to it.  also, tabby (unbelievably!) rocks himself to sleep!  so micael probably picked it up - somehow. 

i was amazed when tab and i first got married when he would make kuyakoy until he fell asleep!  he would actually be asleep already, but his feet are still moving!  amazing!  i was highly entertained for about a week... then i was slightly annoyed for another week.  after that, i got used to it.  and now, i actually look for it!  it's funny how i now look for it when it's bedtime. 

So much has been happening lately...

* i've submitted an ijaf (internal job application form) for the supervisory position that was made available just recently. i'm really hoping and praying and working my butt off to get it! but there are so many other veteran reps that applied. sometimes i think i'm just fooling myself by thinking that i'd even have a chance. and then i pray and place it in God's hands. because that's where it should be.

* i've been working soo hard to not be late (my shift is 6am - 3pm). i thought it would be a snap after working the 5am shift, but the 6am is actually harder.

* i've been on the south beach diet for 12 days tomorrow. i've lost 13-14 pounds na! and my jeans fit better! (the old one - the one i haven't been able to wear for a while!) but i still feel fat. i know that my tummy's less (thank God!) and my eating habits have changed - for the better, i think! i can't really eat sweets now - makes me dizzy. also fat (like the skin of kfc!) makes me dizzy. i felt icky after having just 2 spoons of the skin! i'm kinda mourning for that part of me... i love food! but i'm also glad that i don't eat like that anymore. i've gotten used to the taste of artificial sweeteners. (sweet n low is the best! better than equal, hands down!) and i've learned how to drink coffee without coffee mate. tea also tastes better with skim milk now. i've been really faithful to the diet (except for the one dinner of kfc), but i still feel like i'm not losing enough.

* i'm totally resisting going to the gym or working out. because i'm so tired all the time. not because i'm hungry, but becuase straight from work, i come home, play with the 3 kids, get ready and then go out with one. then i come home and have dinner and then sleep at 11 at the earliest. i'm thinking that if tab had to live one week in my shoes, he'd lose so much weight! not because of the food, but because of the sheer energy it costs to stay up, not lose my temper and still be patient, loving and kind even when i don't feel like it.

* i feel a little neglected here at home. because of the diet, i can't eat food that's been cooked with regular oil. (has to be canola or olive oil) nor can i eat food that has regular soy sauce (has to be light). my cook doesn't prepare food for me unless i call her to tell her what to cook. otherwise, she just doesn't prepare anything for me. so sometimes (like tonight) i go hungry. but how can i expect her to prepare my food when my own hubby doesn't have the time or energy to do it?

so i eat bega string cheese (it's made with skim milk) and sugar free chocolate. and have decaf coffee with sweet n low and skim milk. i sound so kawawa... i'm not really. just venting.

* i don't really see tab. typical day: my sched is like this. up by 5.15, leave by 5.35, at work by 5.45/5.50. breakfast at 6, cig break at 8, lunch at 10.30, cig break at 1.30, off by 3pm. home by 3.30/3.45, play with kids til 4.30. get ready/use the bathroom leave with one child by 4.50. walk around with him (mall, grocery, whatever i need to do, he goes with me), home by 6.30/6.45. wait for tab to come home to eat dinner - give up and eat alone at 7.45/8pm. rest, shower and prepare for bed 10. (still waiting for tab) he gets home at 12ish and i'm already in bed asleep. his sched (as far as i know it) is like this: up by 9, leave by 10.30am for the canteen. he's there the whole day or somewhere where ever it is he goes and does and meets and is home by 11 or 12. then he sleeps at 1.30ish. ok ba?

sometimes i don't like to be the strong one. sometimes i wish i were the one taken care of. like i was when we first got together. sometimes i wish that i were so rich, i would have the luxury of just staying home with my kids. that's all i want, really. to stay home and just watch them grow.

today, i carried rafa and he fell asleep. we were on our way home and i looked at him. and i just realized that he's almost a carbon copy of micael. and he's 9 months! i just noticed that now! i felt terrible. i wanted to cry, but i was too tired. i feel like i don't carry them enough, like i don't watch them enough, like i'm not their mother. i'm just the woman who pays the 'mothers' who watch them. and play with them and holds them.

and then he opened his eyes and when he saw me, he smiled. and my heart was eased. when my kids see me and they get excited, and laugh and smile at me, my tensions and burdens are lighter. i don't feel my exhaustion until i leave them to change or whatever. and when they cry because they see me walking away, i have to go back. even if i'm going to be late for work. they are such a joy to me. such a blessing and such angels. they are truly from God and i am forever grateful that He has seen fit to lend them to me and that He trusts me to take care of them. i love them so much. everything is worthwhile because they are.

* i have found that taking all of my kids out at the same time is ridiculous. and time consuming. and actually really fun =) but i don't get to spend any quality time with anyone other than mica if that is the case, so i decided around 2 or 3 weeks ago to take them out one at a time. it's great! tiring, but great. super worth it! i get to carry them the whole time, change their diapers in the lounge, give them their bottle, and in general, be a mom to them. And it feels good. so i don't really mind the aching muscles in my back. and in my calves. they are worth it.