it's micael's first day of preschool tomorrow!  i don't know how i feel about it... i'm excited, but at the same time, scared for him.  i want to be there the whole time!  what if some bully tries to push him?  i'd probably kck the other kid... boy or girl!  but seriously, i'm curious to see how he's going to handle himself.  i'm wondering how his social skills are.  i'm hoping that this will be good for him and that he'll be less shy around other kids and people.  my sister says he's sungit becuase he usually has no reaction to her.  happy or sad or upset... nothing.  so in her pique, she says it's him.... hahaha oh well! 

he's the sweetest boy... when i carry him, he actually pats my back/shoulder.  i think it's because when he was younger, whenever he's in my lap (and he was always in my lap!), i was always patting his leg, playing with him, talking to him and keeping him entertained.  so he's gotten to used to it.  also, tabby (unbelievably!) rocks himself to sleep!  so micael probably picked it up - somehow. 

i was amazed when tab and i first got married when he would make kuyakoy until he fell asleep!  he would actually be asleep already, but his feet are still moving!  amazing!  i was highly entertained for about a week... then i was slightly annoyed for another week.  after that, i got used to it.  and now, i actually look for it!  it's funny how i now look for it when it's bedtime. 

So much has been happening lately...

* i've submitted an ijaf (internal job application form) for the supervisory position that was made available just recently. i'm really hoping and praying and working my butt off to get it! but there are so many other veteran reps that applied. sometimes i think i'm just fooling myself by thinking that i'd even have a chance. and then i pray and place it in God's hands. because that's where it should be.

* i've been working soo hard to not be late (my shift is 6am - 3pm). i thought it would be a snap after working the 5am shift, but the 6am is actually harder.

* i've been on the south beach diet for 12 days tomorrow. i've lost 13-14 pounds na! and my jeans fit better! (the old one - the one i haven't been able to wear for a while!) but i still feel fat. i know that my tummy's less (thank God!) and my eating habits have changed - for the better, i think! i can't really eat sweets now - makes me dizzy. also fat (like the skin of kfc!) makes me dizzy. i felt icky after having just 2 spoons of the skin! i'm kinda mourning for that part of me... i love food! but i'm also glad that i don't eat like that anymore. i've gotten used to the taste of artificial sweeteners. (sweet n low is the best! better than equal, hands down!) and i've learned how to drink coffee without coffee mate. tea also tastes better with skim milk now. i've been really faithful to the diet (except for the one dinner of kfc), but i still feel like i'm not losing enough.

* i'm totally resisting going to the gym or working out. because i'm so tired all the time. not because i'm hungry, but becuase straight from work, i come home, play with the 3 kids, get ready and then go out with one. then i come home and have dinner and then sleep at 11 at the earliest. i'm thinking that if tab had to live one week in my shoes, he'd lose so much weight! not because of the food, but because of the sheer energy it costs to stay up, not lose my temper and still be patient, loving and kind even when i don't feel like it.

* i feel a little neglected here at home. because of the diet, i can't eat food that's been cooked with regular oil. (has to be canola or olive oil) nor can i eat food that has regular soy sauce (has to be light). my cook doesn't prepare food for me unless i call her to tell her what to cook. otherwise, she just doesn't prepare anything for me. so sometimes (like tonight) i go hungry. but how can i expect her to prepare my food when my own hubby doesn't have the time or energy to do it?

so i eat bega string cheese (it's made with skim milk) and sugar free chocolate. and have decaf coffee with sweet n low and skim milk. i sound so kawawa... i'm not really. just venting.

* i don't really see tab. typical day: my sched is like this. up by 5.15, leave by 5.35, at work by 5.45/5.50. breakfast at 6, cig break at 8, lunch at 10.30, cig break at 1.30, off by 3pm. home by 3.30/3.45, play with kids til 4.30. get ready/use the bathroom leave with one child by 4.50. walk around with him (mall, grocery, whatever i need to do, he goes with me), home by 6.30/6.45. wait for tab to come home to eat dinner - give up and eat alone at 7.45/8pm. rest, shower and prepare for bed 10. (still waiting for tab) he gets home at 12ish and i'm already in bed asleep. his sched (as far as i know it) is like this: up by 9, leave by 10.30am for the canteen. he's there the whole day or somewhere where ever it is he goes and does and meets and is home by 11 or 12. then he sleeps at 1.30ish. ok ba?

sometimes i don't like to be the strong one. sometimes i wish i were the one taken care of. like i was when we first got together. sometimes i wish that i were so rich, i would have the luxury of just staying home with my kids. that's all i want, really. to stay home and just watch them grow.

today, i carried rafa and he fell asleep. we were on our way home and i looked at him. and i just realized that he's almost a carbon copy of micael. and he's 9 months! i just noticed that now! i felt terrible. i wanted to cry, but i was too tired. i feel like i don't carry them enough, like i don't watch them enough, like i'm not their mother. i'm just the woman who pays the 'mothers' who watch them. and play with them and holds them.

and then he opened his eyes and when he saw me, he smiled. and my heart was eased. when my kids see me and they get excited, and laugh and smile at me, my tensions and burdens are lighter. i don't feel my exhaustion until i leave them to change or whatever. and when they cry because they see me walking away, i have to go back. even if i'm going to be late for work. they are such a joy to me. such a blessing and such angels. they are truly from God and i am forever grateful that He has seen fit to lend them to me and that He trusts me to take care of them. i love them so much. everything is worthwhile because they are.

* i have found that taking all of my kids out at the same time is ridiculous. and time consuming. and actually really fun =) but i don't get to spend any quality time with anyone other than mica if that is the case, so i decided around 2 or 3 weeks ago to take them out one at a time. it's great! tiring, but great. super worth it! i get to carry them the whole time, change their diapers in the lounge, give them their bottle, and in general, be a mom to them. And it feels good. so i don't really mind the aching muscles in my back. and in my calves. they are worth it.

supplementing

i have to supplement my milk supply... i started today. the twins now need more than 3 ounces of milk. they need maybe 4 or 5 ounces each. and i produce maybe 6 ounces, total. so one of them doesn't get full. so i now acknowledge that i have to supplement. in a way, this is good... i get more freedom of movement with this. and my nipples will get the chance to heal (they're cracked because the twins bite). i know that, nutritionally speaking, formula can deliver the same as my milk. it's just the cuddling i'm going to miss. i know that this is not a reflection of my "mothering," but just the same, i feel... inadequate because of it. oh well... i'll survive. more importantly, the twins will.

oh joy!

micael let me put him to sleep yesterday... actually preferring me to my hubby or the alternate yaya (his real yaya was on day off)! my heart smiled. he's so precious. he would watch me through sleepy eyes, especially when one of the twins would cry. i guess to see if i would put him down and go to them. so i stayed with him. even if it meant that the feeding of gabe or rafa was delayed. he needs to know that he's important too. i love him so...

my hubby moves my world. i love him so much, it's crazy. he kept asking me a few days ago if i still loved him, maybe because my family are starting to make noises about my going back to work. they say i shouldn't have to work because i'm the woman in the relationship. and therefore, i should be pampered and relaxing. not stressed by work and all that. at the very most, i should only worry about the kids and the house... well, maybe in a perfect world that would be true. but this is the real world, and i'm a working mom, wife, daughter, sister and friend. so i just make do with what i have. not everyone has the life of the idle... how nice if i was one of those, but... maybe someday! i'm hopeful and working hard to bring that day closer.

dance, dance!

micael is such a cutie!! he knows how to dance! it's that cute, baby dance where they kinda bounce... and no one taught him how to do this... he just did it on his own! it's amazing because he even does his 'beautiful eyes' while dancing! he's so cute! nakakagigil!

after that, i tried to get him to do the 'thumbs up'... and i got bitten on my thumb! if his expression wasn't so endearing while he was doing it, i would have gotten mad at him! but... like i said, his face was so sweet and... well, suffice it to say i laughed and just gritted my teeth. man, he has SHARP teeth! and he's so strong! he's growing up so fast... pretty soon, i'll be seeing him off on a date... oh my...

gabe and rafa are starting to look like mica did at that age (one month). when i see mica's old pictures, it looks like i just took a picture of gabe or rafa! amazing how they look so similar!

i am constantly amazed that these three boys came from me. that i carried them in my body for more than 8 months and now, they're so big! mica's running around and the twins are starting to regulate their sleeping and eating pattern. how fast time flies... i'm at that point where i'm wishing they're older so i can talk and play with them and they'd understand me and talk back and at the same time, i'm wishing time would slow down so i can savor these days more.

just the other day, i had to carry micael and i had to use the sling! i remember when i could carry him all day and not break a sweat. and i'd even scoff when my sisters and brothers when they complain that he's too heavy for them to carry. it's so different now. he really is heavy. (29 pounds!)

pretty soon, he'll be too heavy to carry... so i'm going to enjoy these days. and i'm going to keep carrying him, as much as he'll allow, so that i don't miss out. i don't want to look back and regret not carrying him and holding him close.

micael and i went to gymboree today! and he totally enjoyed himself... he's such a lovey... my baby. he was running around, sometimes with the other kids, sometimes by himself, listening to the teacher lead the songs and sometimes even following her instructions! he helped push the big inflatable log across the room, and the ball that was bigger than him across the bridge! he even tried to jump on the trampoline!

he loves having other kids around, so it'll be such a treat for him when the twins are bigger and walking also. as it is, with the twins being so small, he's such a sweetie when he kisses them and tries to carry them. micael's the cutest!

i tried to let mica go to sleep... but he was crying looking for his yaya. i guess this is my fault. sometimes i wonder if my kids really need me. i know they love me and (for now) 2 of them are dependent on me for sustenance, but i am, after all, replaceable.

i feel unnecessary. and ambivalent about my role in life. i have to be the nurturer and fixer of everything. i'm the one in charge of the kids, the yayas, the house and the money. this is on top of being the one to go to an office...

i want it all. my dream is to have enough money to quit my job, stay at home, and just be a mother to my kids. maybe when they're 3, i can take over the yayas and take care of them myself. i want that. i want them to depend on me and not have any memory of being taken cared of by anyone else, except me. that gives me 3 years. the twins are now 5 weeks old. and micael is 13 months.

this is my goal: as soon as they hit 5 years of age, i want to be their primary caregiver. i want them to look to me (or tabby) for direction, permission, food, clothing, bathing... everything. not the yaya. i will keep the yayas, but maybe 2 na lang. the maids can do double duty as yayas when tab and i go out of town or out for the night.

i want to be a housewife. i want my primary concern to be the care of my husband and children. i'll probably go mad from the boredom, but just for the first few months, maybe. i'll keep myself busy with decorating the house and cooking and taking care of the children. it will be like a modified 'living in the states' kind of thing. i'll have help with the household chores, but the care of the children will be my responsibility.

thinking about it, i know that i'm going to have something to do as well... maybe a hobby or my own small business. something i can do on the side. i'd love to cook or bake and then sell it. i'm not asking to become like mrs cuerva, where she sells her cakes out of her house and is a household name already... maybe just like ate gilette, where she has a small but steady customer base.

how do i achieve this? i'm working on it. meanwhile, i'm stuck at my office job.

yayas

sometimes i wonder exactly how much my son loves me. or if he recognizes that i'm his mother and not the yaya. the yaya is great. she's started to care for my little one and it shows in how she clothes him and makes sure he eats and all that. but it makes me think... does he really understand that i'm his mother?

it tears me up inside when i see how he prefers her. how it's not me he looks for sometimes (when he gets hurt). and it really gets to me when he "chooses" her. it makes me feel inadequate. and a failure. intellectually, i know that it's not a matter of him choosing her over me, it's just that he's used to her being the one who rocks him to sleep. but it hurts me, just the same.

it's not like i can force him to come to me. or to look for me when he's sleepy. because then i wouldn't be able to do the things i have to -- like go to work, or feed his brothers when they're hungry. i wouldn't have the luxuries of being able to use the bathroom when i want to, or watching a movie straight through.

i'm grateful for her, don't get me wrong. and i'm grateful that he's attached to her. but i want him to need me. and i want him to understand that i love so very much and that's why i need to leave him with her. i hope that for the big things, he looks for me. and that i'm not a second choice.